Friday, April 22, 2011

Dear Mother Earth

Since I started this blog on Earth Day- I always post on Earth Day.
I have decided to write mother earth a letter, since she may be getting rights now.

Dear Mother Earth,
     Since the UN (aka useless assholes) are considering giving you rights, I have a few questions to ask you.
-Do you prefer when we waste trees for paper bags or when we waste water washing reusable ones?
-If you don't want hippies to bathe, then why do you make them smell like that?
-Does it hurt the grass when I cut it, because I could swear that I hear it screaming (this could also be the crazy people that live down the street, but I'm PRETTY sure it's the grass screaming)
-I heard that Dolphins are really smart.  Can you persuade them to at least speak English, so us human idiots can bask in their wisdomy goodness?
-Is father time hard to get along with, because he seems like a dick?
-Do you feel a lot of pressure with all these people trying to replace God with you?
-Do you have to wear a Burka in Saudi Arabia?

I hope you will answer this letter and not just send an autographed picture- I already have a map.  Also, you should probably look into some anger management courses or something- I mean, enough with the earthquakes.

and this concludes the earth day post for this year.
I will now go back to the useless bullshit I usually rant about.

p.s.-screw Flanders

Friday, January 7, 2011


So, the whole "shorty" awards on twitter are kind of annoying.  They are boring, and I really don't care about them.  The nominating process clogs up my stream, so I am constantly seeing tweets about them.

I've decided to make up my own awards for all you fuckers that follow me.
"The Wenchies"

Here are the rules:
It will be a "write in" ballot.
Vote for anyone you would like to in as many of the categories as you would like.
Send your votes to the email address I will give you at the end of this post.
You must use their twitter username.
You must sign the vote with your twitter username.
You can give a reason if you want to- it's not mandatory.
You can't vote for yourself.
You can't vote for me.
Please make sure you list the category with the person you are voting for, as I am not a fucking mind reader.
Only vote once in each category.
Polling ends on 1-22-11.
Winners announced on 1-23-11

If you win, you may get a lovely certificate emailed to you, saying you won.
I think the fact that a bunch of freaks decided that you are among the most fucked up should be reward enough though.

Here are the categories:

1- Rudest Bastard
2- Most Likely to get arrested wearing crocs
3- Made me spew liquid out of my nose from laughter
4- Biggest instigator
5- Has used the word "fuck" as every part of speech
6- Person I would most like to get drunk with just to watch them puke
7- Most likely to secretly keep midgets in their closet
8- Biggest all around freak
9- Most likely to wake up with a g-string stuck in their teeth
10- Sickest Mind

Ok- so really, start voting!
Send your emails to:
I'm not kidding.  If I can come up with some kind of fucked up prizes, I will.
RT this tweet too!

ps-screw flanders

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

And Now it's all Just Taco Bell

So, our First Lady wants to tell restaurants what they can and can't put on their menus.  She seems to think that we are all too stupid to feed our children healthy food.  That we crave sugar, fat, and salt SO much that it has complete control of our central nervous systems when we enter a restaurant, and we are little more than drooling morons who will just order anything on the menu to satisfy our addiction.

It must be difficult to for her to be First Lady of such a fat disgusting country.
I hope the gubmint starts controlling our food intake more closely soon, so I don't have to think so much anymore.  Everyday I wake up and can't remember if it's wrong to put butter into my coffee.  Plus, the urge to give my kids bowls of lard for lunch is almost too strong to fight off!  How can I be expected to continue this way?

kljydsluifh <-- oops, sorry, i was eating a pork chop and my fingers were greasy

This is just ridiculous.  More government control in the name of "protecting the children".  If the government really wanted to protect the children, they would protect the fucking boarder and stop criminals from coming into the country.  I'm thinking the Mexican drug cartel MAY be more detrimental to your health than a fucking twinkie! (those creamy delicious bastards- the twinkies that is)

What will be next?  Outlawing video games because sitting for too long is causing kids to be fat?  What about TV?  Should we have mandatory exercise time?  Will we be taxed if our BMI is over a certain number?  WHAT ABOUT IF WE ARE GENETICALLY MORE LIKELY TO BE FAT? <-- for those of you too stupid to eat carrots this is the idea that tall people have tall children, rabbits have bunnies, and chubby people have chubby children.  It's what men mean when they say "If you want to see your wife in 20 years, look at her mother".  What then?

In conclusion, I'd like to leave you with a clip from Demolition Man.  Please watch it. Is that really what you want? I don't.

I have to go.  My kid wants lunch.  I was going to give her a deep fried Snickers bar, but she wants a turkey sandwich.

Demolition Man

ps-screw Flanders

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Top Ten Earthday Tips!

Some fun Earthday tips for all you lovely miscreants!
  1. Build a tire fire!- It'll burn for a really really long time, and keep the mosquitoes away.
  2. Instead of a toilet, use your neighbors lawn- this will save on water AND fertilize the soil.
  3. Puppy barbeque!- since you've got the tire fire going anyway
  4. Instead of driving to a store, just take what you need from the closest neighbor- I'm sure they won't mind. You DID fertilize their lawn.
  5. Use only whale oil lanterns today!- none of those evil light bulbs
  6. Don't use garbage bags!- plastics hurt the environment. A nice family of rats can take care of that garbage in no time at all!
  7. Use latex gloves instead of condoms!- (that's 5 goats per glove to you diverbh)
  8. Pour some warm soapy water on a hippie- to stop air pollution
  9. Any protest signs should be written on your own body, written in your own blood only.- please don't waste trees or ink (especially if you can't spell)
  10. Print this list 1000 times and pass it on- so we're all on the same page.

Yeah- I love Earthday. Now remember kids, the hippies will be out in full force today, so hide your snacks.
I'm going to go mix paper and plastic.....let's hope it doesn't cause the apocalypse

*screw Flanders

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Can Your Pussy Do This?

Raise your hand if you believe in ghosts-

If you raised your hand, I have to say- PUT IT DOWN, I CAN'T SEE YOU!!!!!
I'm going to tell you a story about a television, a dictionary, and a cat.

Some years ago, my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) lived in a very old building. There were still fixtures in the wall where the gas lamps once were. It was very old. I didn't live there, but I was there most days. There was nothing else odd about the building, there was no major traffic on the street it was on. No trains ran by it. It's not on a fault line.

The first odd thing that happened was subtle. The volume of television in the bedroom would randomly go up and down. At first, it was slight, just enough to be noticed, but within a few weeks was going from muted to ear piercing. We thought it was the TV.

The next thing that happened was not as easily written off as a technical problem. We had a gigantic dictionary. I don't remember WHY we had a gigantic dictionary at this point in time, but we did. It was open on the floor, sitting next to the dresser. My husband and I were at the opposite end of the room, looking out the window at the street below. We were waiting for a friend to pick us up. We were completely startled by a loud "clap" followed by a "thud". The only thing that had changed, was that the dictionary had closed. This was the first of many times it would happen. We started leaving it open on purpose, to see how often it would happen.

We got a kitten soon after the dictionary incident. She was a cute little thing, that clawed everyone's feet. We named her Claws. She was awesome. She could also see ghosts.

After the kitten came, weird things stopped happening, or maybe we didn't notice them because we were occupied with her. Until...

We were watching TV in the room, and Claws is laying by the window in the sun. She out of nowhere starts hissing at nothing. Just staring into what seems like the empty of the middle of the room, and hissing. We thought maybe the cat needed Prozac, until the bed started to vibrate. Not the kind of insane shaking like in a movie, vibrating like a massage chair. When the bed stopped, so did the cat's hissing.

Nothing else ever really happened there. My husband moved to another apartment a few months later. The cat went with him. We figured that whatever it was, was over. It was never scary. It was kind of fun.

A little while after moving into the new apartment, Claws started hissing and spitting at nothing again. You could hear footsteps on the staircase leading up to the apartment, but no one was there. This would happen occasionally. I started saying, "whoever you are, you're pissing off my cat, you have to leave".

Silly ghosts.

Well, that's the story. Almost all of this stuff happened in the middle of the afternoon or evening. Never while we were asleep. I have more, but I'll save them for another time.

*screw Flanders

Monday, February 22, 2010

Leave My Wiener Alone

So, they want to put warning labels on hot dogs.

This post is about hot dogs- if you thought it was about anything else, then you're fucked up. Maybe you need to invest in some brain bleach. Either way, that's your fucking problem.

Today my problem is hot dogs.

First of all, kids choke on hot dogs. It is mainly because the casings may be hard for them to chew. Grapes have been known to cause the same problem. If you really want to give your children either of these things, it is best to peel off the casing, or cut them into bite sized pieces. It takes a little extra work, but it's much safer that way. I would never want a child to choke on anything.

Like most things in life, it is up to parents to protect their children from things that can hurt them. It is important to check on the things they are doing, what they are eating, what they are watching, the music they listen to...
Having said that, I would like to know why the government thinks I'm too fucking stupid to be able to figure this shit out for myself.
I don't want warning labels on hot dogs.

I want people to think.

If we are going to start labeling everything that could possibly hurt us because we are morons, then I have a few suggestions:
  • "Brain damage may occur with prolonged exposure"- on Public Schools
  • "Temperatures may be hotter or colder than current environment"- on all doors
  • "Staring directly into the big bright light source may cause vision loss"- on windows
  • "Improper technique can result in scratched cornea"- on your toothbrush (this really happened to someone I know)
  • "Failure to secure fully could result in bodily injury"- on your sneakers
  • "Do not ingest"- on light bulbs
  • "Eating the entire container may lead to a big fat ass"- on ice cream containers
  • "Not to be used as a life saving device"- on the toilet seat
I don't want to live in a nanny state that has decided for me what is good or bad. I don't want to be told what I can or can't say, what I can or can't eat, or what is or isn't right for MY family. I also don't want us to become so reliant on "warning labels" that we stop thinking for ourselves. The same government that wants to warn you about hot dogs, let your kids eat lead paint from China (but we don't want to make too big a deal about that- we need their CASH).

Well, that's all I'm going to say about that. I hear a bowl of soup calling my name. I hope the spoon came with instructions...
ps-screw Flanders

Friday, February 12, 2010

My Opinion on Vintage Soul

The first thing I am going to say is that I am not a critic. I have no idea what a professional critic is supposed to say about anything. I'm a girl who read a book. If that isn't enough for you, then maybe you have issues that should be worked out lying on a couch.
oh... where was I?
Today I read "Vintage Soul" by David Niall Wilson.
Here's a quick plot summary: A Vampire VIP's girlfriend is kidnapped by a powerful, unknown being. Donovan DeChance is hired to solve the crime/save the girl.

Pretty simple, huh? NOPE.
There are vampires, wizards, dragons, double dealings, fights, explosions.....
This book was a fun time! I finished it in one day, because I wanted to see what was next.
I appreciate a writer who can describe everything in such a way, that I can clearly imagine each scene and character as if I were amongst them. That's how I felt reading this book.
I'm going to keep it short and sweet- I really liked this book. You should read it!
You can get the book here:

Ok my lovelies- that's all for now.
*screw Flanders