Friday, April 22, 2011

Dear Mother Earth

Since I started this blog on Earth Day- I always post on Earth Day.
I have decided to write mother earth a letter, since she may be getting rights now.

Dear Mother Earth,
     Since the UN (aka useless assholes) are considering giving you rights, I have a few questions to ask you.
-Do you prefer when we waste trees for paper bags or when we waste water washing reusable ones?
-If you don't want hippies to bathe, then why do you make them smell like that?
-Does it hurt the grass when I cut it, because I could swear that I hear it screaming (this could also be the crazy people that live down the street, but I'm PRETTY sure it's the grass screaming)
-I heard that Dolphins are really smart.  Can you persuade them to at least speak English, so us human idiots can bask in their wisdomy goodness?
-Is father time hard to get along with, because he seems like a dick?
-Do you feel a lot of pressure with all these people trying to replace God with you?
-Do you have to wear a Burka in Saudi Arabia?

I hope you will answer this letter and not just send an autographed picture- I already have a map.  Also, you should probably look into some anger management courses or something- I mean, enough with the earthquakes.

and this concludes the earth day post for this year.
I will now go back to the useless bullshit I usually rant about.

p.s.-screw Flanders

Friday, January 7, 2011


So, the whole "shorty" awards on twitter are kind of annoying.  They are boring, and I really don't care about them.  The nominating process clogs up my stream, so I am constantly seeing tweets about them.

I've decided to make up my own awards for all you fuckers that follow me.
"The Wenchies"

Here are the rules:
It will be a "write in" ballot.
Vote for anyone you would like to in as many of the categories as you would like.
Send your votes to the email address I will give you at the end of this post.
You must use their twitter username.
You must sign the vote with your twitter username.
You can give a reason if you want to- it's not mandatory.
You can't vote for yourself.
You can't vote for me.
Please make sure you list the category with the person you are voting for, as I am not a fucking mind reader.
Only vote once in each category.
Polling ends on 1-22-11.
Winners announced on 1-23-11

If you win, you may get a lovely certificate emailed to you, saying you won.
I think the fact that a bunch of freaks decided that you are among the most fucked up should be reward enough though.

Here are the categories:

1- Rudest Bastard
2- Most Likely to get arrested wearing crocs
3- Made me spew liquid out of my nose from laughter
4- Biggest instigator
5- Has used the word "fuck" as every part of speech
6- Person I would most like to get drunk with just to watch them puke
7- Most likely to secretly keep midgets in their closet
8- Biggest all around freak
9- Most likely to wake up with a g-string stuck in their teeth
10- Sickest Mind

Ok- so really, start voting!
Send your emails to:
I'm not kidding.  If I can come up with some kind of fucked up prizes, I will.
RT this tweet too!

ps-screw flanders