Top Ten Earthday Tips!

Some fun Earthday tips for all you lovely miscreants!

1. Build a tire fire!- It'll burn for a really really long time, and keep the mosquitoes away.
2. Instead of a toilet, use your neighbors lawn- this will save on water AND fertilize the soil.
3. Puppy barbeque!- since you've got the tire fire going anyway
4. Instead of driving to a store, just take what you need from the closest neighbor- I'm sure they won't mind. You DID fertilize their lawn.
5. Use only whale oil lanterns today!- none of those evil light bulbs
6. Don't use garbage bags!- plastics hurt the environment. A nice family of rats can take care of that garbage in no time at all!
7. Use latex gloves instead of condoms!- (that's 5 goats per glove to you diverbh)
8. Pour some warm soapy water on a hippie- to stop air pollution
9. Any protest signs should be written on your own body, written in your own blood only.- please don't waste trees or ink (especially if you can't spell)
10. Print this list 1000 times and pass it on- so we're all on the same page.

Yeah- I love Earthday. Now remember kids, the hippies will be out in full force today, so hide your snacks.

I'm going to go mix paper and plastic.....let's hope it doesn't cause the apocalypse

-Tish

*screw Flanders

Can Your Pussy Do This?

Raise your hand if you believe in ghosts-

If you raised your hand, I have to say- PUT IT DOWN, I CAN'T SEE YOU!!!!!

DUH

I'm going to tell you a story about a television, a dictionary, and a cat.

Ready?

Some years ago, my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) lived in a very old building. There were still fixtures in the wall where the gas lamps once were. It was very old. I didn't live there, but I was there most days. There was nothing else odd about the building, there was no major traffic on the street it was on. No trains ran by it. It's not on a fault line.

The first odd thing that happened was subtle. The volume of television in the bedroom would randomly go up and down. At first, it was slight, just enough to be noticed, but within a few weeks was going from muted to ear piercing. We thought it was the TV.

The next thing that happened was not as easily written off as a technical problem. We had a gigantic dictionary. I don't remember WHY we had a gigantic dictionary at this point in time, but we did. It was open on the floor, sitting next to the dresser. My husband and I were at the opposite end of the room, looking out the window at the street below. We were waiting for a friend to pick us up. We were completely startled by a loud "clap" followed by a "thud". The only thing that had changed, was that the dictionary had closed. This was the first of many times it would happen. We started leaving it open on purpose, to see how often it would happen.

We got a kitten soon after the dictionary incident. She was a cute little thing, that clawed everyone's feet. We named her Claws. She was awesome. She could also see ghosts.

After the kitten came, weird things stopped happening, or maybe we didn't notice them because we were occupied with her. Until...

We were watching TV in the room, and Claws is laying by the window in the sun. She out of nowhere starts hissing at nothing. Just staring into what seems like the empty of the middle of the room, and hissing. We thought maybe the cat needed Prozac, until the bed started to vibrate. Not the kind of insane shaking like in a movie, vibrating like a massage chair. When the bed stopped, so did the cat's hissing.

Nothing else ever really happened there. My husband moved to another apartment a few months later. The cat went with him. We figured that whatever it was, was over. It was never scary. It was kind of fun.

A little while after moving into the new apartment, Claws started hissing and spitting at nothing again. You could hear footsteps on the staircase leading up to the apartment, but no one was there. This would happen occasionally. I started saying, "whoever you are, you're pissing off my cat, you have to leave".

Silly ghosts.

Well, that's the story. Almost all of this stuff happened in the middle of the afternoon or evening. Never while we were asleep. I have more, but I'll save them for another time.

-Tish

*screw Flanders

Leave My Wiener Alone

So, they want to put warning labels on hot dogs.

This post is about hot dogs- if you thought it was about anything else, then you're fucked up. Maybe you need to invest in some brain bleach. Either way, that's your fucking problem.

Today my problem is hot dogs.

First of all, kids choke on hot dogs. It is mainly because the casings may be hard for them to chew. Grapes have been known to cause the same problem. If you really want to give your children either of these things, it is best to peel off the casing, or cut them into bite sized pieces. It takes a little extra work, but it's much safer that way. I would never want a child to choke on anything.

Like most things in life, it is up to parents to protect their children from things that can hurt them. It is important to check on the things they are doing, what they are eating, what they are watching, the music they listen to...

Having said that, I would like to know why the government thinks I'm too fucking stupid to be able to figure this shit out for myself.

I don't want warning labels on hot dogs.

I want people to think.

If we are going to start labeling everything that could possibly hurt us because we are morons, then I have a few suggestions:

• "Brain damage may occur with prolonged exposure"- on Public Schools
• "Temperatures may be hotter or colder than current environment"- on all doors
• "Staring directly into the big bright light source may cause vision loss"- on windows
• "Improper technique can result in scratched cornea"- on your toothbrush (this really happened to someone I know)
• "Failure to secure fully could result in bodily injury"- on your sneakers
• "Do not ingest"- on light bulbs
• "Eating the entire container may lead to a big fat ass"- on ice cream containers
• "Not to be used as a life saving device"- on the toilet seat

I don't want to live in a nanny state that has decided for me what is good or bad. I don't want to be told what I can or can't say, what I can or can't eat, or what is or isn't right for MY family. I also don't want us to become so reliant on "warning labels" that we stop thinking for ourselves. The same government that wants to warn you about hot dogs, let your kids eat lead paint from China (but we don't want to make too big a deal about that- we need their CASH).

Well, that's all I'm going to say about that. I hear a bowl of soup calling my name. I hope the spoon came with instructions...

-Tish

ps-screw Flanders

My Opinion on Vintage Soul

The first thing I am going to say is that I am not a critic. I have no idea what a professional critic is supposed to say about anything. I'm a girl who read a book. If that isn't enough for you, then maybe you have issues that should be worked out lying on a couch.

oh... where was I?

Today I read "Vintage Soul" by David Niall Wilson.

Here's a quick plot summary: A Vampire VIP's girlfriend is kidnapped by a powerful, unknown being. Donovan DeChance is hired to solve the crime/save the girl.

Pretty simple, huh? NOPE.

There are vampires, wizards, dragons, double dealings, fights, explosions.....

This book was a fun time! I finished it in one day, because I wanted to see what was next.

I appreciate a writer who can describe everything in such a way, that I can clearly imagine each scene and character as if I were amongst them. That's how I felt reading this book.

I'm going to keep it short and sweet- I really liked this book. You should read it!

You can get the book here:

Vintage Soul

Ok my lovelies- that's all for now.

*screw Flanders

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving. I am truly thankful for every blessing I have been given. I am thankful to God for my family, friends, and my health. I truly truly do not take anything for granted. I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving day......

So.......

The rest of this post it now titled:

The Stupid Shit That Pisses Me The Fuck Off!

Let's start with Thanksgiving, shall we? (to be more specific- Thanksgiving as it is celebrated in public schools)

The kids are all told to give thanks. <- And that's where the sentence ends. Give thanks to who? or to what? Give thanks to the toilet paper for cleaning your ass? The schools can't and won't dare say God, because that would cause a tear in the space/time continuum and we would cease to exist. The Pilgrims gave thanks to God. NOT TO THE INDIANS.

Which reminds me.....

The friendly peace loving Native Americans that saved the poor retarded Pilgrims by teaching them to hunt and fish and grow corn and breathe, didn't exist. Ask Laura Ingalls how fucking friendly the Indians were. Scalping wasn't a way to regrow hair. The Pilgrims made peace with the Indians. The next person who spews the whole "poor peace loving Native Americans" crap gets a flaming arrow to the chest.

Oh and here's another thing the pisses me off- the terms BCE and CE being used in place of BC and AD. "Common Era"? Are you fucking kidding me? If we can just replace terms whenever we feel like it, I'm replacing the term "progressive" with "piece of shit socialist bastard". (soon to be followed by replacing the term "hello" with "go fuck yourself")

Since I started this poetic post with Thanksgiving, I would like to end it with Thanksgiving- the PETA Thanksgiving TV spot. It warms my heart to see PETA exploit a young girl to save a turkey. How far does your head have to be up your ass to come up with ads like this? I hope that we find out that vegetables can feel pain so they all have to run around naked and starve to death. (I'll have dark meat please-mmmmm delicious murdered bird thigh)

So, that's it. My Thanksgiving post. If you thought it would be warm and fuzzy, you probably need the Betty Ford clinic. (seriously-what the fuck were you thinking?)

Happy Thanksgiving! :D

The Governor...and Zombies!

So New Jersey has elected a new governor. Chris Christie....a republican. That may seem like a great achievement by itself, but considering how the dead vote in New Jersey, it's almost a miracle.

Last time I checked, most of the free range zombies in the state are Democrats. My personal zombie hoard was locked up tight in the dungeo...I mean basement....oh fuck it- it's a dungeon. I counted them twice last night just to be sure they were all there. I have them trained to vote Republican, but they get ooze all over the ballots and it's a pain in the ass to try to mail them in that way.

The democrats in this state must have lost control of their zombies. Maybe they were all gay and went to Taxachewsettes to get married. Wait... is zombie marriage legal there yet?

Anyway, I hope our new Governor does what he says he will do. It would be nice to see the taxes here decreased. The state needs a good cleaning. Only time will tell now. Hopefully he keeps his promises.....

If not, I could always let the hoard out.... :D

Czars Czars everywhere ( It makes me want to drink)

"He shall have power, by and with the advice and consent of the Senate, to make treaties, provided two thirds of the Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the advice and consent of the Senate, shall appoint ambassadors, other public ministers and consuls, judges of the Supreme Court, and all other officers of the United States, whose appointments are not herein otherwise provided for, and which shall be established by law: but the Congress may by law vest the appointment of such inferior officers, as they think proper, in the President alone, in the courts of law, or in the heads of departments." From section 2 of Article 2 of the Constitution(Presidential power)

Hello Komrades!

OK. So, there were 17 Czars in our beloved country the last time I wrote here. I figured I could go through the list, and let everyone know a little bit about each...

The joke's on me huh? Thirty + Czars?

I put that little chunk of Constitutional goodness at the top of this little rant, because I'm not sure that all this Czariness is really constitutional. Wouldn't these Czars be "inferior officers" or "heads of departments"? Has congress vested any of them? DO THEY EVEN KNOW WHO THE HELL THEY ALL ARE? (Has anyone figured out if any member of congress can even read...I mean they OBVIOUSLY don't read bills...)

I'm not really sure what kind of power the Czars actually have. Does the health czar override the head of HHS? Does the health czar tell HHS what to do? It seems that there would be a lot of head-butting caused by czars.

It couldn't possibly be that the czars are there to take control of things behind the scenes while we don't notice...I mean, that's just silly! It's not like they're going to start telling us what to eat or drive....or....

I think it's important to know who is running our government. We should know where they came from, what they believe in, what their agenda is, and who they choose to associate themselves with. It makes a difference. These czars were appointed without any public knowledge of their histories...or affiliations...or characters....for a reason.

But then again, what do I know....I sleep in a casket, right? ;)