Morticia's Den

Dear Mother Earth

2011-04-22T07:53:00.000-07:00

Since I started this blog on Earth Day- I always post on Earth Day.
I have decided to write mother earth a letter, since she may be getting rights now.

Dear Mother Earth,
Since the UN (aka useless assholes) are considering giving you rights, I have a few questions to ask you.
-Do you prefer when we waste trees for paper bags or when we waste water washing reusable ones?
-If you don't want hippies to bathe, then why do you make them smell like that?
-Does it hurt the grass when I cut it, because I could swear that I hear it screaming (this could also be the crazy people that live down the street, but I'm PRETTY sure it's the grass screaming)
-I heard that Dolphins are really smart. Can you persuade them to at least speak English, so us human idiots can bask in their wisdomy goodness?
-Is father time hard to get along with, because he seems like a dick?
-Do you feel a lot of pressure with all these people trying to replace God with you?
-Do you have to wear a Burka in Saudi Arabia?

I hope you will answer this letter and not just send an autographed picture- I already have a map. Also, you should probably look into some anger management courses or something- I mean, enough with the earthquakes.

-Tish
***********************************************************************************************************
and this concludes the earth day post for this year.
I will now go back to the useless bullshit I usually rant about.

XXOO
-Tish
p.s.-screw Flanders

Wenchies

2011-01-07T17:31:00.001-08:00

So, the whole "shorty" awards on twitter are kind of annoying. They are boring, and I really don't care about them. The nominating process clogs up my stream, so I am constantly seeing tweets about them.

I've decided to make up my own awards for all you fuckers that follow me.
"The Wenchies"

Here are the rules:
It will be a "write in" ballot.
Vote for anyone you would like to in as many of the categories as you would like.
Send your votes to the email address I will give you at the end of this post.
You must use their twitter username.
You must sign the vote with your twitter username.
You can give a reason if you want to- it's not mandatory.
You can't vote for yourself.
You can't vote for me.
Please make sure you list the category with the person you are voting for, as I am not a fucking mind reader.
Only vote once in each category.
Polling ends on 1-22-11.
Winners announced on 1-23-11

If you win, you may get a lovely certificate emailed to you, saying you won.
I think the fact that a bunch of freaks decided that you are among the most fucked up should be reward enough though.

Here are the categories:

1- Rudest Bastard
2- Most Likely to get arrested wearing crocs
3- Made me spew liquid out of my nose from laughter
4- Biggest instigator
5- Has used the word "fuck" as every part of speech
6- Person I would most like to get drunk with just to watch them puke
7- Most likely to secretly keep midgets in their closet
8- Biggest all around freak
9- Most likely to wake up with a g-string stuck in their teeth
10- Sickest Mind

Ok- so really, start voting!
Send your emails to: thewenchies@gmail.com
I'm not kidding. If I can come up with some kind of fucked up prizes, I will.
GO VOTE NOW!
RT this tweet too!

xxoo
-Tish
ps-screw flanders

And Now it's all Just Taco Bell

2010-09-14T10:01:00.000-07:00

So, our First Lady wants to tell restaurants what they can and can't put on their menus. She seems to think that we are all too stupid to feed our children healthy food. That we crave sugar, fat, and salt SO much that it has complete control of our central nervous systems when we enter a restaurant, and we are little more than drooling morons who will just order anything on the menu to satisfy our addiction.

It must be difficult to for her to be First Lady of such a fat disgusting country.
I hope the gubmint starts controlling our food intake more closely soon, so I don't have to think so much anymore. Everyday I wake up and can't remember if it's wrong to put butter into my coffee. Plus, the urge to give my kids bowls of lard for lunch is almost too strong to fight off! How can I be expected to continue this way?

kljydsluifh <-- oops, sorry, i was eating a pork chop and my fingers were greasy

This is just ridiculous. More government control in the name of "protecting the children". If the government really wanted to protect the children, they would protect the fucking boarder and stop criminals from coming into the country. I'm thinking the Mexican drug cartel MAY be more detrimental to your health than a fucking twinkie! (those creamy delicious bastards- the twinkies that is)

What will be next? Outlawing video games because sitting for too long is causing kids to be fat? What about TV? Should we have mandatory exercise time? Will we be taxed if our BMI is over a certain number? WHAT ABOUT IF WE ARE GENETICALLY MORE LIKELY TO BE FAT? <-- for those of you too stupid to eat carrots this is the idea that tall people have tall children, rabbits have bunnies, and chubby people have chubby children. It's what men mean when they say "If you want to see your wife in 20 years, look at her mother". What then?

In conclusion, I'd like to leave you with a clip from Demolition Man. Please watch it. Is that really what you want? I don't.

I have to go. My kid wants lunch. I was going to give her a deep fried Snickers bar, but she wants a turkey sandwich.
-Tish

Demolition Man

ps-screw Flanders

Top Ten Earthday Tips!

2010-04-22T06:50:00.000-07:00

Some fun Earthday tips for all you lovely miscreants!

Build a tire fire!- It'll burn for a really really long time, and keep the mosquitoes away.
Instead of a toilet, use your neighbors lawn- this will save on water AND fertilize the soil.
Puppy barbeque!- since you've got the tire fire going anyway
Instead of driving to a store, just take what you need from the closest neighbor- I'm sure they won't mind. You DID fertilize their lawn.
Use only whale oil lanterns today!- none of those evil light bulbs
Don't use garbage bags!- plastics hurt the environment. A nice family of rats can take care of that garbage in no time at all!
Use latex gloves instead of condoms!- (that's 5 goats per glove to you diverbh)
Pour some warm soapy water on a hippie- to stop air pollution
Any protest signs should be written on your own body, written in your own blood only.- please don't waste trees or ink (especially if you can't spell)
Print this list 1000 times and pass it on- so we're all on the same page.

Yeah- I love Earthday. Now remember kids, the hippies will be out in full force today, so hide your snacks.

I'm going to go mix paper and plastic.....let's hope it doesn't cause the apocalypse

-Tish

*screw Flanders

Can Your Pussy Do This?

2010-02-25T05:59:00.000-08:00

Raise your hand if you believe in ghosts-

If you raised your hand, I have to say- PUT IT DOWN, I CAN'T SEE YOU!!!!!

DUH

I'm going to tell you a story about a television, a dictionary, and a cat.

Ready?

Some years ago, my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) lived in a very old building. There were still fixtures in the wall where the gas lamps once were. It was very old. I didn't live there, but I was there most days. There was nothing else odd about the building, there was no major traffic on the street it was on. No trains ran by it. It's not on a fault line.

The first odd thing that happened was subtle. The volume of television in the bedroom would randomly go up and down. At first, it was slight, just enough to be noticed, but within a few weeks was going from muted to ear piercing. We thought it was the TV.

The next thing that happened was not as easily written off as a technical problem. We had a gigantic dictionary. I don't remember WHY we had a gigantic dictionary at this point in time, but we did. It was open on the floor, sitting next to the dresser. My husband and I were at the opposite end of the room, looking out the window at the street below. We were waiting for a friend to pick us up. We were completely startled by a loud "clap" followed by a "thud". The only thing that had changed, was that the dictionary had closed. This was the first of many times it would happen. We started leaving it open on purpose, to see how often it would happen.

We got a kitten soon after the dictionary incident. She was a cute little thing, that clawed everyone's feet. We named her Claws. She was awesome. She could also see ghosts.

After the kitten came, weird things stopped happening, or maybe we didn't notice them because we were occupied with her. Until...

We were watching TV in the room, and Claws is laying by the window in the sun. She out of nowhere starts hissing at nothing. Just staring into what seems like the empty of the middle of the room, and hissing. We thought maybe the cat needed Prozac, until the bed started to vibrate. Not the kind of insane shaking like in a movie, vibrating like a massage chair. When the bed stopped, so did the cat's hissing.

Nothing else ever really happened there. My husband moved to another apartment a few months later. The cat went with him. We figured that whatever it was, was over. It was never scary. It was kind of fun.

A little while after moving into the new apartment, Claws started hissing and spitting at nothing again. You could hear footsteps on the staircase leading up to the apartment, but no one was there. This would happen occasionally. I started saying, "whoever you are, you're pissing off my cat, you have to leave".

Silly ghosts.

Well, that's the story. Almost all of this stuff happened in the middle of the afternoon or evening. Never while we were asleep. I have more, but I'll save them for another time.

-Tish

*screw Flanders

Leave My Wiener Alone

2010-02-22T10:10:00.000-08:00

So, they want to put warning labels on hot dogs.

This post is about hot dogs- if you thought it was about anything else, then you're fucked up. Maybe you need to invest in some brain bleach. Either way, that's your fucking problem.

Today my problem is hot dogs.

First of all, kids choke on hot dogs. It is mainly because the casings may be hard for them to chew. Grapes have been known to cause the same problem. If you really want to give your children either of these things, it is best to peel off the casing, or cut them into bite sized pieces. It takes a little extra work, but it's much safer that way. I would never want a child to choke on anything.

Like most things in life, it is up to parents to protect their children from things that can hurt them. It is important to check on the things they are doing, what they are eating, what they are watching, the music they listen to...

Having said that, I would like to know why the government thinks I'm too fucking stupid to be able to figure this shit out for myself.

I don't want warning labels on hot dogs.

I want people to think.

If we are going to start labeling everything that could possibly hurt us because we are morons, then I have a few suggestions:

"Brain damage may occur with prolonged exposure"- on Public Schools
"Temperatures may be hotter or colder than current environment"- on all doors
"Staring directly into the big bright light source may cause vision loss"- on windows
"Improper technique can result in scratched cornea"- on your toothbrush (this really happened to someone I know)
"Failure to secure fully could result in bodily injury"- on your sneakers
"Do not ingest"- on light bulbs
"Eating the entire container may lead to a big fat ass"- on ice cream containers
"Not to be used as a life saving device"- on the toilet seat

I don't want to live in a nanny state that has decided for me what is good or bad. I don't want to be told what I can or can't say, what I can or can't eat, or what is or isn't right for MY family. I also don't want us to become so reliant on "warning labels" that we stop thinking for ourselves. The same government that wants to warn you about hot dogs, let your kids eat lead paint from China (but we don't want to make too big a deal about that- we need their CASH).

Well, that's all I'm going to say about that. I hear a bowl of soup calling my name. I hope the spoon came with instructions...

-Tish

ps-screw Flanders

My Opinion on Vintage Soul

2010-02-12T18:49:00.000-08:00

The first thing I am going to say is that I am not a critic. I have no idea what a professional critic is supposed to say about anything. I'm a girl who read a book. If that isn't enough for you, then maybe you have issues that should be worked out lying on a couch.

oh... where was I?

Today I read "Vintage Soul" by David Niall Wilson.

Here's a quick plot summary: A Vampire VIP's girlfriend is kidnapped by a powerful, unknown being. Donovan DeChance is hired to solve the crime/save the girl.

Pretty simple, huh? NOPE.

There are vampires, wizards, dragons, double dealings, fights, explosions.....

This book was a fun time! I finished it in one day, because I wanted to see what was next.

I appreciate a writer who can describe everything in such a way, that I can clearly imagine each scene and character as if I were amongst them. That's how I felt reading this book.

I'm going to keep it short and sweet- I really liked this book. You should read it!

You can get the book here:

Vintage Soul

Ok my lovelies- that's all for now.

*screw Flanders

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-25T15:01:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving. I am truly thankful for every blessing I have been given. I am thankful to God for my family, friends, and my health. I truly truly do not take anything for granted. I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving day......

So.......

The rest of this post it now titled:

The Stupid Shit That Pisses Me The Fuck Off!

Let's start with Thanksgiving, shall we? (to be more specific- Thanksgiving as it is celebrated in public schools)

The kids are all told to give thanks. <- And that's where the sentence ends. Give thanks to who? or to what? Give thanks to the toilet paper for cleaning your ass? The schools can't and won't dare say God, because that would cause a tear in the space/time continuum and we would cease to exist. The Pilgrims gave thanks to God. NOT TO THE INDIANS.

Which reminds me.....

The friendly peace loving Native Americans that saved the poor retarded Pilgrims by teaching them to hunt and fish and grow corn and breathe, didn't exist. Ask Laura Ingalls how fucking friendly the Indians were. Scalping wasn't a way to regrow hair. The Pilgrims made peace with the Indians. The next person who spews the whole "poor peace loving Native Americans" crap gets a flaming arrow to the chest.

Oh and here's another thing the pisses me off- the terms BCE and CE being used in place of BC and AD. "Common Era"? Are you fucking kidding me? If we can just replace terms whenever we feel like it, I'm replacing the term "progressive" with "piece of shit socialist bastard". (soon to be followed by replacing the term "hello" with "go fuck yourself")

Since I started this poetic post with Thanksgiving, I would like to end it with Thanksgiving- the PETA Thanksgiving TV spot. It warms my heart to see PETA exploit a young girl to save a turkey. How far does your head have to be up your ass to come up with ads like this? I hope that we find out that vegetables can feel pain so they all have to run around naked and starve to death. (I'll have dark meat please-mmmmm delicious murdered bird thigh)

So, that's it. My Thanksgiving post. If you thought it would be warm and fuzzy, you probably need the Betty Ford clinic. (seriously-what the fuck were you thinking?)

Happy Thanksgiving! :D

The Governor...and Zombies!

2009-11-04T09:54:00.000-08:00

So New Jersey has elected a new governor. Chris Christie....a republican. That may seem like a great achievement by itself, but considering how the dead vote in New Jersey, it's almost a miracle.

Last time I checked, most of the free range zombies in the state are Democrats. My personal zombie hoard was locked up tight in the dungeo...I mean basement....oh fuck it- it's a dungeon. I counted them twice last night just to be sure they were all there. I have them trained to vote Republican, but they get ooze all over the ballots and it's a pain in the ass to try to mail them in that way.

The democrats in this state must have lost control of their zombies. Maybe they were all gay and went to Taxachewsettes to get married. Wait... is zombie marriage legal there yet?

Anyway, I hope our new Governor does what he says he will do. It would be nice to see the taxes here decreased. The state needs a good cleaning. Only time will tell now. Hopefully he keeps his promises.....

If not, I could always let the hoard out.... :D

Czars Czars everywhere ( It makes me want to drink)

2009-08-01T16:40:00.000-07:00

"He shall have power, by and with the advice and consent of the Senate, to make treaties, provided two thirds of the Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the advice and consent of the Senate, shall appoint ambassadors, other public ministers and consuls, judges of the Supreme Court, and all other officers of the United States, whose appointments are not herein otherwise provided for, and which shall be established by law: but the Congress may by law vest the appointment of such inferior officers, as they think proper, in the President alone, in the courts of law, or in the heads of departments." From section 2 of Article 2 of the Constitution(Presidential power)

Hello Komrades!

OK. So, there were 17 Czars in our beloved country the last time I wrote here. I figured I could go through the list, and let everyone know a little bit about each...

The joke's on me huh? Thirty + Czars?

I put that little chunk of Constitutional goodness at the top of this little rant, because I'm not sure that all this Czariness is really constitutional. Wouldn't these Czars be "inferior officers" or "heads of departments"? Has congress vested any of them? DO THEY EVEN KNOW WHO THE HELL THEY ALL ARE? (Has anyone figured out if any member of congress can even read...I mean they OBVIOUSLY don't read bills...)

I'm not really sure what kind of power the Czars actually have. Does the health czar override the head of HHS? Does the health czar tell HHS what to do? It seems that there would be a lot of head-butting caused by czars.

It couldn't possibly be that the czars are there to take control of things behind the scenes while we don't notice...I mean, that's just silly! It's not like they're going to start telling us what to eat or drive....or....

I think it's important to know who is running our government. We should know where they came from, what they believe in, what their agenda is, and who they choose to associate themselves with. It makes a difference. These czars were appointed without any public knowledge of their histories...or affiliations...or characters....for a reason.

But then again, what do I know....I sleep in a casket, right? ;)

Know Your Czars Part 1

2009-06-10T14:23:00.000-07:00

So, you've probably heard by now that the President of the United States has decided that he really doesn't need the silly "checks and balances" system that our founding fathers set up. He has found a really simple way around that pesky legislative branch of our government. The CZAR!

The czar is appointed by the President, and only has to answer to the President. They don't need to be confirmed. They don't have to show up when congress asks them to. They are in control of billions of our tax dollars, but are not accountable to us. Sweet little power grab- ain't it!

I've been trying to find a single source with a listing of all of the President's current czars, but I am having no luck. I have decided to try to find information on as many of them as I can ( so we can see the people who are running our country).

So I present to you:

KNOW YOUR CZARS

Part One

Energy/Environmental Czar: CAROL BROWNER (Democrat)

Basic Information:

DOB: 12-16-55 Born in Miami Florida
1977 BA in English from the University of Florida
1979 JD University of Florida College of Law
Occupation: Lawyer
Administrator of the EPA under President Clinton 1993-2001

Carol Browner is a member of three groups worth mentioning

-CITIZEN ACTION:consumer advocacy organization focused on environmentalism and socialized medicine. It was destroyed by its participation in the 1997 money laundering scandal to funnel illegal contributions to the re-elect Ron Carey as president of the teamsters union.

-LEAGUE OF CONSERVATION VOTERS: this is a left wing lobbying organization devoted to "shaping a pro environment congress and white house"

-CENTER FOR AMERICAN PROGRESS: left wing think tank started by Halerpin and Soros, aimed at "developing a long-term vision of a progressive America" and "providing a forum to generate new progressive ideas and policy proposals". Spokespeople for this group include John Podesta, Eric Alterman, and Morton Halperin

Ah unions, payoffs, money laundering...this administration sure is fun...and we've only just begun!

Why People Piss Me Off-chapter 1

2009-05-16T20:08:00.000-07:00

I'm a pretty easy going person. It takes a lot for me to get angry. Having said that, I should say there is one sure way to piss me off. TALK DOWN TO ME.

I do not assume to know anything about a person I have never spoken with at first glance. I don't talk down to anyone. I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE WHO DO!!!!! What is the point of it? To put me in my place? To make yourself feel wrongly superior, or to just be a big old bitch? Is it because you always get away with doing it? Is it that you think because I am NOT a raving lunatic bitch, that I will just put up with it?

I have to say that I had this happen to me today. I thoroughly enjoyed making the woman, who spoke to me like I was her dog, look like a complete idiot. The person who overheard this conversation was laughing so hard that she had to walk away. (and I never even raised my voice)

Maybe if people took their heads out of their asses, and realized that there is more to see in this life than just their own reflections, the world might actually be a better place. Maybe. (but what do I know)

Rules For Reword the Retweet Friday

2009-05-15T20:03:00.000-07:00

So, since we've already turned Follow Friday into a complete freakfest, it seems a fun new mind melting game has come about.

It is called Reword the Retweet Friday.

Quick rules:

-you can change any part of the tweet you are going to retweet. You can add or remove parts of the original tweet

-you must put everything you add to the tweet in ALL CAPS

-you must use the hashtag #rwrtf at the end of the tweet

Only reword the retweet of someone who is playing. LOL

Have fun. See you on twitter!

Disney channel shows

2009-05-06T10:42:00.000-07:00

So, the Jonas Brothers have a new show on Disney channel. You would think that this would make me wretch. I should really hate it. I really don't! It made me laugh. (more than once).

It seems that I find myself watching Disney channel more and more these days, even if my kids are not home. I know all of the shows, all of the characters, and all of the theme songs (this includes playhouse Disney), but WHY?

I think it might have something to do with the fact that the shows are all comedies (which I love), and that they are more like the sitcoms I grew up with than anything on the big three networks. They remind me of a "Happy Days" kind of sitcom- safe, silly humor. They have just enough "adult" jokes hidden in them to keep them interesting. The Jonas Brother's show actually reminded me of "the Monkeys". Nickelodeon's "ICarly" and "Drake and Josh" are pretty good too.

I like shows that I can watch with my kids without having to explain why they shouldn't say the word asshole. They're aren't too many of them left. Reality TV is neither reality nor good TV, so that doesn't leave much else. They're are plenty of dramas, but they are pretty boring. (except for LOST).

So there it is, why I watch Disney channel all...wait... Hannah Montana's on.....gotta run

Thank You Public School

2009-05-03T10:25:00.000-07:00

I would like to thank public school for the following:

Teaching history- revisionist history that is nothing more than an attempt to sway the children to a liberal point of view.

Covering the election- by introducing middle school children to campaign issues such as abortion, capital punishment, and gun control. The shrine to Obama in the main hall was also a nice touch.

Attempting to teach values- not MY values, but yours. Which I don't agree with. Basically because you don't actually have any.

Assigning projects- such as "Which amendment would you remove"( of course the 2nd was encouraged) and "Build a GREEN house of the future" or "write a letter to our senator about global warming".

Celebrating Holidays- every Holiday EXCEPT Christmas. But I'm pretty sure if there was a "Go fuck a goat in the name of satan day" we would be allowed to celebrate that.

Not tolerating bullying- by having the most ass backward policy of never taking one child's word over the other and actually punishing them both if an incident occurs<---I kid you not.

All in all, it's been quite an enlightening experience. I have had to unteach more than I could have ever imagined. The politically correct atmosphere at public school has run amok. The teachers feel free to bring their own political views to the classroom, and to tell the children what they SHOULD be thinking. Really? My taxes pay for this?

I am lucky that my children do NOT just sit back and accept that their teacher's OPINION is the only opinion. I am glad that they have the balls to argue when they know something is wrong, or goes against what they've been taught at home. What happens to the children who accept half of the bullshit thrown at them as FACT?

The one thing that I AM thankful to public school for, is opening my eyes to what is really going on in society. No wonder there are so many whining assholes who think we can cuddle information out of terrorists, or that disagreeing with them makes you an extremist or a racist. So, thank you public school for trying your hardest to fuck up my kids- and for giving me the opportunity to stop you before you succeed.

On Susan Boyle

2009-04-26T17:41:00.000-07:00

It seems that everyone has been very caught up in the Susan Boyle story lately. I honestly don't understand why anyone would connect "looks" with singing ability. Why would physical beauty have any determination on whether or not you can sing? Why was anyone surprised when she could?

Then, just as the media was telling us what fools we all were for doubting the "frumpy" woman's talent, they act completely SHOCKED by the "clean cut" image of the suspected "Craig's List Killer". HUH? Isn't this the same dumb mistake in reverse? Last time I checked, murderers didn't have a dress code.

It seems that the media is completely flabbergasted by a concept that Mom's have always known and passed along to their children : DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER. It's pretty basic. If you don't bother to look past someone's physical appearance, you could be missing out on someone really wonderful- or putting yourself in harm's way.

Should we really be "thinking with our eyes"?

Ode to Earthday

2009-04-21T10:17:00.000-07:00

Earthday rears it's ugly head

Do I dare get out of bed?

The hippies will be drawing near

spreading all their doom and fear

With protest cries of global warming

to the parks they will be swarming

"Don't barbeque, please don't wear leather,

It's MAN that's fucking up the weather,

Don't be a part of 'the machine'

you know you should be going green.

Animals have rights, didn't you hear?

You're less important than that deer!"

Those whining pricks- my idea's better

get rid of that ugly hemp sweater.

Go comb your dreads, clean up a bit.

How 'bout a shower-you smell like shit!

Go get a job, a husband, wife

but STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE.

You're "movement" isn't really true.

The government is using you

to tax us all to fucking death

and regulate our every breath,

what car to drive, what food to eat

I'm sure they're gonna tax red meat.

You're helping government gain power,

eroding freedom by the hour.

And this won't be ok with you

when they take the things that YOU like too,

and you no longer have a choice,

and none of us will have a voice.

If that day comes, don't cry to me-

I'll say' "go hug a fucking tree"

10 years Later

2009-04-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

It's been ten years since the Columbine massacre, so what have we learned? I have a few opinions:

-Parents are not nearly as involved with their kids' day-to-day lives as they should be. It's much harder to build a pipe bomb with someone looking over your shoulder. Planning an all out assault on a school takes planning and time. Maybe our children are being left alone too long.

-Schools are not taking threats and bullying seriously. Most schools have a "no weapons" policy (even toys), but that doesn't matter if the first time a kid brings a weapon to school, they are firing it. Bullies should be punished BEFORE they drive an already unstable kid over the edge. Every threat should be taken seriously.

-The media making "stars" of the kids that do these things only make more kids want to do it. TV has taken the place of parents' influence on children. This is dangerous.

That's just my opinion. What do you think?