Thursday, February 25, 2010

Can Your Pussy Do This?

Raise your hand if you believe in ghosts-

If you raised your hand, I have to say- PUT IT DOWN, I CAN'T SEE YOU!!!!!
I'm going to tell you a story about a television, a dictionary, and a cat.

Some years ago, my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) lived in a very old building. There were still fixtures in the wall where the gas lamps once were. It was very old. I didn't live there, but I was there most days. There was nothing else odd about the building, there was no major traffic on the street it was on. No trains ran by it. It's not on a fault line.

The first odd thing that happened was subtle. The volume of television in the bedroom would randomly go up and down. At first, it was slight, just enough to be noticed, but within a few weeks was going from muted to ear piercing. We thought it was the TV.

The next thing that happened was not as easily written off as a technical problem. We had a gigantic dictionary. I don't remember WHY we had a gigantic dictionary at this point in time, but we did. It was open on the floor, sitting next to the dresser. My husband and I were at the opposite end of the room, looking out the window at the street below. We were waiting for a friend to pick us up. We were completely startled by a loud "clap" followed by a "thud". The only thing that had changed, was that the dictionary had closed. This was the first of many times it would happen. We started leaving it open on purpose, to see how often it would happen.

We got a kitten soon after the dictionary incident. She was a cute little thing, that clawed everyone's feet. We named her Claws. She was awesome. She could also see ghosts.

After the kitten came, weird things stopped happening, or maybe we didn't notice them because we were occupied with her. Until...

We were watching TV in the room, and Claws is laying by the window in the sun. She out of nowhere starts hissing at nothing. Just staring into what seems like the empty of the middle of the room, and hissing. We thought maybe the cat needed Prozac, until the bed started to vibrate. Not the kind of insane shaking like in a movie, vibrating like a massage chair. When the bed stopped, so did the cat's hissing.

Nothing else ever really happened there. My husband moved to another apartment a few months later. The cat went with him. We figured that whatever it was, was over. It was never scary. It was kind of fun.

A little while after moving into the new apartment, Claws started hissing and spitting at nothing again. You could hear footsteps on the staircase leading up to the apartment, but no one was there. This would happen occasionally. I started saying, "whoever you are, you're pissing off my cat, you have to leave".

Silly ghosts.

Well, that's the story. Almost all of this stuff happened in the middle of the afternoon or evening. Never while we were asleep. I have more, but I'll save them for another time.

*screw Flanders

Monday, February 22, 2010

Leave My Wiener Alone

So, they want to put warning labels on hot dogs.

This post is about hot dogs- if you thought it was about anything else, then you're fucked up. Maybe you need to invest in some brain bleach. Either way, that's your fucking problem.

Today my problem is hot dogs.

First of all, kids choke on hot dogs. It is mainly because the casings may be hard for them to chew. Grapes have been known to cause the same problem. If you really want to give your children either of these things, it is best to peel off the casing, or cut them into bite sized pieces. It takes a little extra work, but it's much safer that way. I would never want a child to choke on anything.

Like most things in life, it is up to parents to protect their children from things that can hurt them. It is important to check on the things they are doing, what they are eating, what they are watching, the music they listen to...
Having said that, I would like to know why the government thinks I'm too fucking stupid to be able to figure this shit out for myself.
I don't want warning labels on hot dogs.

I want people to think.

If we are going to start labeling everything that could possibly hurt us because we are morons, then I have a few suggestions:
  • "Brain damage may occur with prolonged exposure"- on Public Schools
  • "Temperatures may be hotter or colder than current environment"- on all doors
  • "Staring directly into the big bright light source may cause vision loss"- on windows
  • "Improper technique can result in scratched cornea"- on your toothbrush (this really happened to someone I know)
  • "Failure to secure fully could result in bodily injury"- on your sneakers
  • "Do not ingest"- on light bulbs
  • "Eating the entire container may lead to a big fat ass"- on ice cream containers
  • "Not to be used as a life saving device"- on the toilet seat
I don't want to live in a nanny state that has decided for me what is good or bad. I don't want to be told what I can or can't say, what I can or can't eat, or what is or isn't right for MY family. I also don't want us to become so reliant on "warning labels" that we stop thinking for ourselves. The same government that wants to warn you about hot dogs, let your kids eat lead paint from China (but we don't want to make too big a deal about that- we need their CASH).

Well, that's all I'm going to say about that. I hear a bowl of soup calling my name. I hope the spoon came with instructions...
ps-screw Flanders

Friday, February 12, 2010

My Opinion on Vintage Soul

The first thing I am going to say is that I am not a critic. I have no idea what a professional critic is supposed to say about anything. I'm a girl who read a book. If that isn't enough for you, then maybe you have issues that should be worked out lying on a couch.
oh... where was I?
Today I read "Vintage Soul" by David Niall Wilson.
Here's a quick plot summary: A Vampire VIP's girlfriend is kidnapped by a powerful, unknown being. Donovan DeChance is hired to solve the crime/save the girl.

Pretty simple, huh? NOPE.
There are vampires, wizards, dragons, double dealings, fights, explosions.....
This book was a fun time! I finished it in one day, because I wanted to see what was next.
I appreciate a writer who can describe everything in such a way, that I can clearly imagine each scene and character as if I were amongst them. That's how I felt reading this book.
I'm going to keep it short and sweet- I really liked this book. You should read it!
You can get the book here:

Ok my lovelies- that's all for now.
*screw Flanders